Honey Badger Don't Give A Shit

I am a honey badger. You've all seen these, right, they're the badass looking things that kill lions by going for their balls and can basically withstand being killed by a cobra, then get up and eat the fucken thing.

They are angry, angry creatures.

I am a honey badger.

Now, part of the reason honey badgers are so angry is that they kill lions and eat snakes and all that and they end up with a lame-ass name like "Honey Badger". I'm a little upset I ended up with a name like Sam Jones because it shows I have a startling lack of originality.

But the main reason honey badgers are angry is because they are hungry. All the time.

Cos to have a metabolism that is swift enough to not let cobra venom kill them means that they have a metabolism that burns through food like your mum burns through skeevy boyfriends. (Oh yeah, I went there.)

Now I'm not stick-thin, but I'm at the lower end of a healthy BMI, and I am goddamn hungry. I have a black hole in my stomach that means I am never full ever and I can get so damn hungry I could kill a man by ripping off his balls and eating him.

But that would lead to awkward questions.

The worst thing about it is that once I reach a certain point in my hunger, I can no longer function well enough to actually decide to eat something. No matter the choices, there are too many. I stand in front of my pantry and suddenly it doesn't have anything I can eat quick enough. I stand in the supermarket and all of a sudden I'm thinking about how many calories something has, which I usually give less than zero fucks about. I walk down the street and everything is suddenly too expensive.*

I have abdicated all responsibility. I am a three year old, and I just want someone to hand me some food and go "Here, eat." There is actually nothing I wouldn't eat at that point, but I can't actually decide to eat any of it.

If this state lasts long enough I will cry. Then faint. Which is kind of a relief cos people look at you less funny if you pass out in the supermarket than if you're standing in front of the chips bawling your eyes out because you cannot decide if you want Rashuns or Kettle crisps.

So this is why the honey badger is angry. And why I am a honey badger.

And reason number 374 as to why I will never be a functioning adult.



*side note: I really think welfare should provide extra food allowance to those people who are stuck with the metabolism of a fourteen year old boy.